When I thought I lost me…
Last year, I think around January or February, I returned from an outing and I was so happy. I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I kept telling myself, “wow, I am so happy.” I was dancing in my room, just giggling at everything, just really really happy. Then I began thanking God for my happiness, because I had not been happy in a very long time, so I was so thankful. As I was praying, I just heard God telling me that the happiness I was feeling was not from Him so I need not thank Him, I felt guilt and shame instantly and so I just stated weeping. I cried so much that night. I was angry with myself for simply not sleeping and enjoying the happiness in peace, I was angry that God has stolen my happiness from me, but I was even more angry that I knew God was right. That my happiness was not from Him and He wasn’t my only source of joy needed , that even though I knew it was a worshiping an idol in a sense, I wasn’t ready to give it up. I wasn’t ready to give God His rightful place in my life.
Deep down in my heart I was not ready to let God be my happiness, but I just thought I could play God, ya know. So I began listing everything that had made me happy and told God to literally take it away from me. I told God to rid me of this really special thing that had my whole heart and existence. I told God to rid me of this thing in a really clear way, because that is the only way I could release it. I told God I didn’t have the strength to get rid of certain things myself so He has to do it. I told God I was ready for the pain. But I was not. I thought by saying those things, God will be so pleased with me He would let me keep what made me happy. Its so funny how we think we can play tricks on God, it didn’t matter what I said, He knew my heart and He knew I didn’t even mean what I was saying.
Following that night, I would describe my experience with God as a tug of war, He was pulling my life in one direction but I was taking it elsewhere. Because God is obviously stronger, I was being dragged in the mud. The whole process was messy and dirty and I became weak. My faith grew so tired.
I remember one night I had stayed up all night thinking about everything I had lost and how there was no reason to be alive, my whole heart ached that it became physical. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t sleep, my physical body ached, I was in so much pain. But I had just started a new job so I had to go to work the next day. 30 minutes into my shift, I left work. I was paralyzed by the immense pain I felt. I couldn’t believe how a good God, could completely destroy my future in this way. But I didn’t want to go home, so I booked a hotel, went there cried and slept for 9 hours straight, without getting up to pee or anything, I was out cold. When I eventually woke, the first thing I felt was regret. I regretted being awake, and I just begged for God to let me sleep for a really really long time. That was the day I knew I had lost my way, that I was so far gone.
When I look back to those times, literally just last year, I know for sure I wasn’t alone. I can say with confidence, had it not been the Lord on my side, I would not be typing this. I would not be here…
to prevent this from being super long, I am going to break this post in parts