I am writing this at 10:35PM.
I am getting ready to go to sleep and I am thinking about how I really don’t feel like myself. Towards the end of 2017 into this year, with a lot of suffering and tears, I felt like I was becoming the person I have always wanted to be. Wholesome.
To me, being wholesome means being responsible and disciplined in all areas of my life. It means living small and being genuine with my choices. It means surrounding myself with people that I feel comfortable with and not being afraid to be around people whom I don’t feel comfortable with. It means being bold, and soft. It means an active spiritual life and being active in community.
But lately, I have not been feeling like myself. I do not feel any closer to my pursuit of wholeness. I feel lost. I have lost myself and this is how I know:
- I am too busy and I have no time for myself
- I keep forgetting things and procrastinating like never before
- I am concerned with what people think of me
- I am focusing on things that are not important. I’m focusing on dumb shit
- I am doubting myself and my convictions
- I am not spending time with God
- I have been tolerating a lot of nonsense
- I am letting things that do not matter get to me
I feel like in this life, we must always pursue growth and try to be the best version of ourselves. But we must also offer ourselves grace.
So as I sit here, I realize that I have to get back on track, but I also know it does not have to happen over night. I know that this isn’t the last time I will feel “lost” but I know I will always find my way. I don’t feel frustrated with myself surprisingly, just thankful that I didn’t completely walk away from my truth and I can actually see what is going on.
How are you? How do you know you are losing your way?