Lets talk about how strange I am. Um, actually I really hope I am not the only one. If you feel the same, please let me know I am not the only who suffers from serious anxiety around their birthday.
No, it isn’t about me aging.
Around my birthday, I get anxious about who is going to text me or call me to wish me a happy birthday. There are people I am okay not hearing from and some people I do not know if I want to hear from and some people I actually want to hear from but I am afraid I won’t hear from them. After going through this whole process and names, I ask myself, “sis, why do you care about who you hear from and who you don’t?” For this reason, I try to minimize the number of people I tell it’s my birthday, but I have this friend who just loves announcing birthdays. I seriously can’t with her.
I also feel super guilty for being alive. Don’t judge me! But it a serious problem for me. I ask God why some people didn’t live to whatever age I am turning that particular year and why I get to live. Then I realize how ungrateful to God I am being and should really be thanking God for blessing me with another year. THEN I go through the argument about blessing in my head. Why am I blessed? Does that mean the person who is dead wasn’t blessed? and really, is it really a blessing to be alive or dead? because in death, we get to be with Jesus, so is the dead person more blessed than me? Do i want to die? But God wants us to live full rich lives on earth and His design is for us to die in our old age, so if that is the case why did this or that person die? then I process this over and over again.
Another reason for my anxiety on my birthday is that I feel like I have to make it a good day. I know people who spend months and weeks preparing for their birthday, I am not one of those people. Which makes me wonder why I expect that day to be exceptional even though I didn’t prepare for it. Actually, I feel like I have to make it a good day for OTHER people. In this society, enjoying your birthday is a MUST so woe to the person who even feels “just okay” on their birthday. People just start questioning you, so on my birthday, when I just feel blah, when I get around people, I put my birthday face on so no one asks me “why do you look like that? its your birthday?” ugh. I always want to ask people if they were there when my mom was in labor.
Anyways so my birthday is coming, and I just want it to be the day after my birthday already.