**trigger warning for people dealing with depression and loss”
“…and the sound of the rain, against my window pane, is slowly driving me insane, I’m going down.”
I cannot tell you the exact moment I knew I was depressed. But it seems like it was a one cigarette a day thing that turns into lung cancer in about 50 years, it slowly creeps on you. That’s what depression did. It slowly crept on me, I thought I was fine, I thought I was going through the motions, dealing with pain just like everyone, but before I realized I was in this deep dark hole without an exit sign. So here, I will remain
It all started when I felt that she was leaving me. I knew it in my heart but I didn’t want to face the fact that my “her” was willing to leave me, that she didn’t want me anymore. She would go to secret places during the day, because I guess the night time was too obvious. She even quit her job and told me she got fired so she can stay home and have her random excursions the more. She would be gone for hours, come back home, not say a word to me and sleep. She no longer wanted to talk to me, it appears she already had someone she was talking to and I was just someone she kept around.
One day, she asked me, if she was to leave me what would I do? I told her I didn’t want to think about that. I didn’t want to know or experience how things would be if she was to leave. But she insisted on an answer. I told her I couldn’t give her on because, life has always been her.
My fear of her leaving me increased, so without a thought I picked up her phone, only to find out that her passcode that had always been my birthday had changed. Of course I couldn’t confront her because she would have known I was searching through her phone.
My heart breaks all over again writing about this. The dark hole just keep getting deeper and wider and I am sure it is going to swallow me. I am so sure of this. How could she do this to me? I have loved her my whole adult life. She was my life. I knew she was leaving, why didn’t I try harder, why wasn’t I enough to let her stay, why did she do this to me? She abandoned me.
I hate her for this. She knew she was leaving me, by my calculation 2 years before she actually did.
This depression will lead me to her. Another thing I am sure of, so I am going to linger in depths of it for a little longer. Then join her. After all, our graves are next to each other. She might not be happy to see me, but eventually she will be glad I am there. Maggot infested bodies and dry bones. We’ll be together.